ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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