And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
