Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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