toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
