I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
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