I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
