I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
