Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
