brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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