I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
