Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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