My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
