I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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