I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
