I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
