this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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