i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.