I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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