Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
