Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i would punch a child for taco bell
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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