I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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