We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
