Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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