Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
