nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
