there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That accounts for only three of the penises
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
