I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
