you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
