ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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