I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
