Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
