I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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