I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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