New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
