Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Floor bacon is actually really good
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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