She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
