she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
