i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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