Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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