I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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