I'm really into asian looking animals
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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