my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
