grandma shit on top of the toilet
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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