Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I need a beard to bite.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
