"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
