guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
