if i can run in heels then i can drive
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
