I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
