Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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