Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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