we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
