keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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