I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
