Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's official drugs can't kill me
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
