At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
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I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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