tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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