it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
