well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize