Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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