In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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