maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
