i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
