i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
